Thank you so much for thinking enough of us to send us multiple catalogs each day of the week from October through December. I'm starting to feel a little guilty for not sending anything in return, a little concerned for your finances as that is A LOT of money to pay for postage, and a little sorry for the entire forests that must be disappearing at an alarming rate if you send this much bathroom reading material to everyone in the United States.
Not to sound ungrateful, but I think you might have overlooked one small detail when making your generous contributions to our mailbox. We live in Alabama.
I realize that where you are (Maine, is it?), it snows frequently and you have use for the products featured in your wonderful catalog. However, I feel it is my duty to let you know, without the slightest hint of hyperbole, that a few inches of snow down here will paralyze the entire state for long periods of time.
Observe. This...
While we do appreciate the fine craftsmanship of your khakis and you do feature some spiffy barn coats on the pages of your catalog, I am going to suggest that you simply leave out the pages with certain products listed when mailing them down here. This will save a few trees, will save some postage money, and will leave more room for Pottery Barn to clog my mailbox with advertisements for things I might actually use.
I suggest you leave the following products out of the catalogs you send this far south:
1. Snow shoes. If you ask someone from the deep south what a snow shoe looks like, they will probably tell you it's a tennis racket with a belt tied around it. After all, that's what Elmer Fudd used and as that is the only frame of reference we have ever had for snow shoes, it's a logical conclusion. Honestly, when I saw these in your catalog, I had no idea what they were and had to read the product description.
2. The Sonic Snow Tube and Sonic Saucer. I'm surprised you don't get more Southerners writing to you, asking how that thing is supposed to float down the river with the bottom covered. They would be impressed that you managed to cover an inner tube with camo, though. As for the saucer, that's a little too classy for these parts. If we had enough snow to warrant the use of something like that, every one of these rednecks (no offense meant. I have plenty of redneck blood in my veins.) would be coating trash can lids with Crisco and sliding down hills a la Clark Griswold. No "soft, nonslip foam interior" needed.
3. Earmuffs. I have never owned a pair of earmuffs in my life. We don't really need them. It doesn't get cold enough.
4. Your Tartan Flannel Nightgown. Not that we don't wear flannel down here. Lord knows, if I could still get away with wearing a flannel shirt and my Doc Martens, I would. But, that nightgown is just ugly. Seriously. My great-grandmother wore more attractive sleepwear.
5. The Snowball/Snowblock Maker Set. Now, I may not have been exposed to a lot of snow in my lifetime, but I can't see paying $30 for a set of plastic tongs that serve the same purpose as my hands. Do people actually buy that?
Again, thank you for your thoughtfulness. It means a lot to us that you want to correspond with us so frequently during the holidays. I hope you'll take my suggestions to heart.
I'm about to go and check the mail, so I'm sure I'll be hearing from you shortly.
Happy Holidays!
Your Friends,
The Head Family
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