Things No One Told Me, Part 3

I love books. If you didn't already know that about me, then we've never met. I will read anything with words on it, but books are by far my favorite. I also like to do things ahead of time and be prepared. Naturally, I want to read all I can about the baby and what's going on with her because I believe it will help me to take care of my body better while she's cooking, and be a better mommy when she's out of the oven.

The books that focus on what will happen to both of us during pregnancy have been, for the most part, pretty helpful and informative. I haven't actually been able to read much in the other one - the one about what will happen after the baby gets here - primarily because it's quite terrifying.

Here are some things no one told me, but the book is assuring me will happen:

• Once we come home, I will be in such agonizing pain that I will no be able to walk, sit, go upstairs, or use the bathroom for months - and it may not end there.


• Feeding my child will be such a painful and frustrating experience that I will give up and decide she can find her own dadburn nourishment.


• From the moment Madeline exits my body, she will begin screaming violently and will not stop, even to catch her breath, for at least three years. At that point, she will do nothing but throw angry tantrums, touch herself inappropriately in public, and swear at strangers.


• Dan and I might as well sell our bed because we will not sleep for another 18 years.


• Madeline will not actually fall asleep until she is a toddler, when she will wake up several times a night, every night, because of nightmares and raging fevers.


• Our child will have some sort of illness every single day from the time we bring her home. This one has to be true because there is an illness discussed on every single page in the book.


• Listed among the "Common Childhood Illnesses:"  Chicken Pox. Pinkeye. Ear Infection. RABIES....What the heck?????


• If I do not run a half marathon on a daily basis and if I eat anything other than wheat germ and organic spinach for the rest of my natural life, I will forever resemble a sumo wrestler because of how much giving birth will alter my body.


• The following things will make us bad parents:  having a clean house, watching TV, supplementing with formula, using disposable diapers, and telling her "no."


• I will begin to envy and hate my husband, and he become resentful of my permanent depression and no longer find me attractive.

Whew!! It's enough to make me want to leave her in there! Not once have I read anything, yet, about cuddling her, playing with her, singing to her, or seeing her smile for the first time. They just make everything seem so negative, like having a baby is more trouble than it's worth.

Fortunately, as I said before, I have friends and family to set me straight. I know that Madeline was sent straight to us from God and that the wonderful moments with her will far outweigh the struggles. And, thank God for my incredible, adoring husband who is already the best husband and father who ever lived. Thank you, babe, for doing everything you can to make me more comfortable and allay my fears!

In the meantime, I'm on my way to Barnes and Noble to pick up something a little more lighthearted to read. I'll get something less dismal, like something about the Salem Witch Trials, or the St. Valentine's Day Massacre. (or, not...)