What Kind of Mommy Are You?

I usually don't go for the typical chick-lit types of books, but during a recent visit to the library I felt the need for a little light reading. I picked up an amusing audiobook called Momzillas. It's actually a pretty funny read, satiring over-the-top mommy attitudes in a hoity-toity neighborhood.

The book begins with a glossary of terms used in the book to describe different people and situations. The one that really made me giggle was Sanctimommy: (n) the mom who not only knows what's best for her own children, but also what's best for yours, your neighbor's, your cousin's, etc. I'm paraphrasing, badly, but you get the idea.

As I've been listening to this book in the car (which is probably frowned upon by Sanctimommy, since I have the baby in the car with me), I have taken a look at myself, my friends, parents of former students, and a trip down memory lane. I decided to create my own character analysis based on the different kinds of mommies I've met, and to define some terms that are familiar to us all.

Note: This is all intended in good fun. You have to be able to laugh at yourself!

Sanctimommy - Catch phrase: "I haven't had time to shower or brush my teeth in weeks!" This is, of course, indicative of Sanctimommy being SO devoted to her children that she cannot possibly find the time for such selfish pursuits as personal hygeine. (On a personal level, I have never understood this concept. How does smelling like a horse and wearing pajamas to the grocery store make you a better mother?) She had a ritualistic killing of her TV the day she found out she was pregnant, because she heard that children who watch TV have lower IQs. She only feeds her children organically-grown fruits and vegetables from her back yard, which she hand-mixes with a mortar and pestle blessed by her yogi. She does everything right 100% of the time, and she wants to make sure you are aware of that. When she sees your child wearing clothes from Target, she lectures you on how you should be making your child's clothes out of wheat and corn husks because it's better for the environment. She breastfed her kids until they were five, and is concerned about your child's health because you didn't. When her child is 18, she will swear on a stack of Bibles that her precious has never even tasted candy or french fries.

Mother Hen - Catch Phrase: "Cover your head when you go out! You'll get pneumonia!" Remember the scene in A Christmas Story when the boys are getting ready for school and Randy is so bundled up he can't put his arms down? Mother Hen's kids look like that every day. Her kids are not allowed to go to friends' houses until the other kid and parents have filled out the appropriate paperwork, been fingerprinted and completed a criminal background check. Hers are the poor kids who have to sit on the porch and watch the other kids ride their bikes because bike riding has to potential to result in a skinned knee or contact with germs. She is most likely to try to take everyone's advice at once to ensure that her child is extra-super-duper safe, happy, and protected. Just look for the giant, plastic bubble floating down the sidewalk in the morning. What? You didn't think she was going to let her kid ride the bus, did you??

Mama Bear - Catch Phrase: "Don't mess with my kid!"  No matter how cute this woman's child is, DO NOT walk up to him or her in the grocery store and try to touch their little hands or feet. You may lose a finger. No, you can't take a quick peek. When was the last time you washed your hands?? She does not care that, when you raised your kids in 1929, you were told that swaddling would deform the baby's legs. She does not welcome unsolicited, however well-meaning, advice and will promptly tell you so. This is the mom who yells at the other kids on the soccer field when her child gets knocked down. Then, she yells at the other kids' parents for not teaching their kids to be more careful. When some idiot driver runs a red light, it never occurs to her that she or her car might have gotten hurt. She simply thinks, "Hey, jerk! My baby is in this car! Watch where you're going!" She may, at some point, threaten a teacher for singlehandedly destroying her child's dream of playing professional baseball by saying that he talks too much in class. (True story. I was the teacher.)

All of the above have the potential to become...

Helicopter Mom - Catch Phrase: "My angel would NEVER do anything like that!" She hovers over her child all day, every day. She calls the school several times a week to check and see how little Jimmy is doing. When told that her angel might have skipped an assignment or pushed another kid, she becomes highly offended and beligerant. After all, she sees him 24 hours a day and she has never seen this behavior. In high school, she begins to write her kid's research papers and volunteer for EVERY school function so that she can be near her child even more. This child will grow up and be laughed out of several job interviews because his mommy wants to tag along and answer all the questions for him. Plus, she licked her finger and wiped something icky off his face when the interviewer asked about his previous job experience.

Cool Mom - Catch Phrase: "If you're going to do something, I'd rather you did it at home so I can keep an eye on you."  In other words, the liqour cabinet is open, but make sure you do your drinking at home. This kid's friends always want to stay over at this house, not because there's better food or a bigger TV, but because there's no curfew and they can smoke in the living room. Remember Regina George's mom in Mean Girls? Yep! This is her! "There are no rules in this house!" Chances are, this woman is in her forties and convinced that she still looks 21. She borrows her 16-year-old daughter's clothes before hopping into her Miata and heading off to the singles' group at the roller derby to meet her next husband.

I can see myself as one-third Sanctimommy, one-third Mother Hen, and one-third Mama Bear someday. I just hope I can keep my head level and my attitude balanced. Mainly, I would like to keep myself in check so that Madeline always feels loved and safe, but never smothered.

I'm sure there are other moms I left out, like the one who loses all her baby weight before she leaves the hospital and always has perfect hair, make-up, and nails. What do we call her? Any suggestions? (Keep it clean!)