Anyway, the list addresses twenty phrases that almost every mom I know has heard at one time or another. Many of them are uttered by well-meaning people who are under the misguided notion that because they raised their own children, they know what's best for mine. I can appreciate these comments in the spirit in which they are intended. That doesn't mean that they don't make me clench my jaw shut until I hear my back teeth beginning to crack, but I do understand that there is no malice involved.
Some people are just mean. Or nosy. Or both. I cannot be held responsible for what flies out of my mouth and hits these people. They deserve my snark, and they deserve it in droves!
So, here's the list:
And here are my responses:
1. This one doesn't bother me, although I understand that it flies all over some people. It could be a lot worse. Read on.
2. What?! My child isn't supposed to live on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?? Yes. I have tried fruits and veggies. I am not stupid. He eats fruit, but if you can think of a solution to his "I don't like to eat" phase, I am all ears. I worry about it enough, thanks. Oh, and please don't shame him about it. It makes me madder than a wet hen.
3. I don't give my kids soda, either. No judgment. Your kids aren't my kids.
4. Really? How should I let him lie on the floor? He has a short attention span and he's bored.
5. I'm torn on this one. I don't know if the person speaking has gone to a kids' movie expecting peace and quiet, or if the masochistic mother has taken her children to see a romantic comedy. If the former, why would you do that?? If the latter, why would you do that??
6. I laughed until tears ran down my face at this one. That's like saying, "When I buy a house, none of the light bulbs will ever need to be replaced."
Kids are not dogs. You can't coerce them into behaving the way you want them to with Snausages. They are people, with ideas and personalities and minds of their own. I wish you good providence in your endeavors as a parent. (Insert maniacal laughter here.)
7. And, this is why we practice good oral hygiene in our house. Everything in moderation, folks.
8. Hm. You seem pretty upset that he's pretty upset. Should you just go home? He'll forget what he's upset about and calm down in about 90 seconds. Will you?
9. I've never had anyone ask me if they could give my kids candy because they were sad. I have, however, had the bakers at Publix and Fresh Market yell out, "Hey, can they have a free cookie?" Uh, sure. It's almost lunch time, but I didn't want them to have anything healthy, anyway. Go ahead, because now that they've heard you, I will never hear the end of it until they get their free cookie.
10 & 11. Don't. Just don't. For this one, like many of the others, let's just assume that I know my children better than you do, because they're mine. I know you mean well, and I appreciate it, but you're saying this because you have no idea that my Buddy is very warm natured and if I put a jacket on him right now, the process will go like this: 1. He will begin to complain that he's too hot. 2. He will make a desperate attempt to take off the jacket, with or without unzipping it. 3. He will be red-faced and sweating buckets. Please just assume that I know my kids well enough to know whether or not they are comfortable, unless it's snowing and they're wearing tank tops and flip flops. Thanks.
12. Probably. Are you offering to babysit? I'll pay you with cookies.
13. Again, I'm torn on this one. If you say this when my kids are mad because I poured their milk into the yellow cup after they asked for the yellow cup and then changed their minds, go for it. Hug all you want. If you say this while I'm trying to discipline my kids, may God have mercy on your soul.
14. So...what? Yes, I chose to be a parent. Now, I'm going to choose to admit that it's hard.
15. Tony Danza. Also, see #6.
16. Maybe, but how do you know that child doesn't have developmental delays? Be kind, please.
17. Funny. I never gave anyone time to say that to me. But, my mom could give you an earful about it, I'm sure.
18. Absolutely! Why don't you bring your lunch and sit on the public toilet and eat it, too? No? I can't imagine why...
19. That's between the parent, the kid, and the pediatrician or dentist.
20. No. I'm saying this as both a dog lover and a mom. I spent some wonderful years with my dog, and I know how it feels to truly love a dog, and a cat, for that matter. Dogs are our first lessons in unconditional love. But, no. It is not the same. Until you have either carried your child in your body or brought your chosen-in-love child home, maybe it's hard to fully understand. But, it's not the same.
We're all on this journey together, y'all. Be kind. Our ultimate goal is the same. We all want to raise kids who love and are loved. Your kids are not my kids. My kids are not your kids. Our homes are not the same. Let's just arrive at our destination the way that's best for our own families, without judgment. And, even if you think you know better than that mom who is doing it totally wrong because you read it in a magazine or your friend's cousin's next-door neighbor's aunt's chiropractor said that kids shouldn't eat that, keep it to yourself. It makes it hard to enjoy the itty-bitty years when your parenting methods are being critiqued. And, the itty-bitty years are only here for a minute.
Peace, Love, and Cheerios.
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